I feel like I have been stuck in a tunnel for two weeks: I am unmotivated, flared up, and depressed. I think of something to do to lift my spirits and I hit the wall. I turn to the other side in hopes that I find something else and that wall is just as close and concrete. I am on the same path forward but the end of the tunnel is so far. I am unhappy on this path. It is not what I want for my life. I can turn 180 degrees and get out that way, but I am going backwards. That is never an option.
The tunnel analogy falls apart at the end, but I hope that other people with autoimmunes understand. Sometimes, it feels like rheumatoid arthritis shuts me in and I only have one path available to me. I want to break out. I want to use my shoulders and elbows to break through the walls. Unfortunately, I do not have the energy.
Before this diagnosis, whenever I felt trapped I would barrel myself through the wall. I would break myself out of my rut. I could do anything I wanted, be whatever I wanted. Now, I do not have the energy, mentally or physically.
This probably goes hand in hand with my August Blues. I know my mood always dips, but it never dips this far. Every time I find an option, I feel dwarfed by the RA. Maybe I am not trying hard enough to break out. That is the problem with depression, though. It zaps my motivation to get out. I am ok with wallowing in my own self-pity, as awful as it makes me feel.
For now I will walk this one path. Hopefully, I will find a soft piece of wall.
Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.